Purple paper puffball on a pole. Like you do.

Three weeks into the new year, I can write with some very large boulders of salt that 2012 is shaping up better than last year already. In fact, I’m at the point where I’m letting myself relax and breathe a little bit, because you can only hold your breath for so long before you turn blue and pass out.

* We’re 99.999% sure Dan will be hired on permanently by the company where he’s been working since early September. At this point, we’re pretty sure it’s a matter of “when” rather than “if,” but things seem to be moving steadily if slowly in that direction. When it happens, we can feel OK about signing a lease and finally moving down to the Bay Area, which has been our plan since before we moved to California. Last week, we even thought we might have a lead on a potential place to live, one perfect for our needs in all ways (size, rent, location, etc.) but it turned out to be a miscommunication. But we’ll find something.

* The cats seem to be at a point where they mostly ignore one another, and when they spend time in the same room, for the most part they are not actively trying to antagonize or eat one another with extreme prejudice. There was even a time the other day when they accidentally ended up in the same space, only a foot or so away from one another, and nobody chased and nobody hissed. This is major progress!

* I auditioned for a play last week, for the first time since I was a senior in high school, and I got cast!!!! It’s a community theater production of Twelve Dancing Princesses, done by the same company that did Rapunzel for which I painted sets back in October, and I’m super excited to be a part of the production. I won’t have a script until the first rehearsal, but I’m one of the princesses, and more than anything I’m proud of myself for auditioning. I decided that this year I’d do things because I wanted to do them, because I can’t waiting on life to be what I want it to be. I’ll write a longer post once rehearsals begin and I know a little bit more about what I’ll be doing.

* I’m doing flowers for a wedding in February. I’ve also met with two potential clients for weddings later in 2012, people I didn’t already know, people who found my work through my listing on APW.

* I had a cold earlier in the month (it took about a week to finally become full-blown, but once it was there, I was better in 3 days) but I still managed to get out and walk every day I didn’t feel well. I’ve already walked 100 miles this month.

* After two months of dry, cold weather, it finally rained for a few days! The hills are green and the water table is going back up. These are good things.

* My mom gave me these warm cozy slippers for Christmas and I wear them any time I’m home. My feet are finally warm pretty much all the time, which is really helpful.

* Our friends who did IVF late last year were successful in their quest to become pregnant, and are in fact expecting twins!

And now for some not-so-great news: my friend Heather, in whose honor Dan and I did the charity walk last fall, has been in the hospital at UCSF for more than two weeks now (it wasn’t supposed to be nearly that long, but she’s had some complications). Because I was sick early on in her stay, and because she’s taking immunosuppressant drugs for her disease, I didn’t want to give her my cold. But I’d returned to health midweek last week, so on Friday I took the bus down to San Francisco armed with a backpack full of stuff I’d made or bought: nail polish, fuzzy warm socks, her favorite animal crackers, 80s movies, old school newspapers and literary magazines we’d both had a part in writing, and some games, including a deck of playing cards that features ancient Greek people depicted in explicit imagery (to make her laugh). I also made some purple puff ball/flower things out of tissue paper and floral wire to hang around her room, and bought some gerbera daisies to brighten up the place.

Check out that classy vase.

Later, I thought a lot about how much I take for granted as a generally healthy, physically able-bodied person. I may go through extremely stressful life events, and need to reach out to others for assistance. But there are times when the best thing I can do for myself is to do things for other people, and if I could make Heather laugh by reading a passage she’d written about how our town needed more taxis back in 1995, then that $10.50 and 2.5 hours on the bus in the rain was worth every minute of my time, money, and energy. I only wish I could do more.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn’t make any resolutions (other than to resolve our situation, which, as of the end of 2011, is not officially resolved) but in 2012 I hope to finally be able to be in a financial position to pursue IVF.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Several friends had babies. I made blankets for them and got to eat some of them.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no.

5. What places did you visit?
Since we basically had zero money, we only ended up going to Colorado twice (once using gift cards for our plane tickets and the other time we got our tickets as a gift). We drove to LA so Dan could audition for Jeopardy and flew to San Diego for my cousin’s wedding (I did the flowers in exchange for our tickets).

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
The same as last year: a job, to live in the Bay Area and no longer be sponging off my mom, to get pregnant.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Our friends had their baby on our wedding anniversary. I was the matron of honor in a wedding in April, and a bridesmaid in another wedding in October. And Larry didn’t come back.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Officially starting my business and having someone who only knows me from the internet believe enough in my work to sponsor my vendor listing on A Practical Wedding. I was really proud of myself for painting the sets for the play. I stayed really physically active. And I spent from early September to the end of December essentially by myself five days and four nights a week, stuck in this small town and holding down the fort.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I feel like a pretty huge failure, to tell the truth. Getting so close to being hired and yet not hired by my dream employer was one of many gigantic punches in the gut this year.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Actually, I think 2011 was the healthiest year of my life. With the exception of a few weird bouts of indigestion that lasted a few days each time, I don’t think I’ve been sick, and the only injury I can recall was from wearing my flip flops to walk about 400 miles. There are some benefits to being virtually isolated from other people, namely: I can’t catch germs if I’m not around people who have them.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
We bought almost nothing this year but essentials. New bike tubes so I could continue to ride my bike, I guess.

12. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, food. I managed to live for nearly two months off the money I made from the wedding I did in September.

13. What did you get really excited about?
Laurel’s wedding, seeing the play for which I did the sets, when Larry didn’t come back so Dan could continue to work at his job.

14. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Larry, for abandoning his job. Thanks, Larry! Dan’s, for spending nearly four months couchsurfing so we could afford for him to do the job he started in early September. Everybody who has let Dan stay with them so he can afford to do the job he started in early September. Friends who fed us from their garden. My mom, for a variety of reasons. My sister-in-law, for a different variety of reasons. Everyone who came out after DADT was repealed. The people of Mississippi for voting down the Personhood amendment.

15. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
All of the people attacking Planned Parenthood and abortion rights. The Duggars, for continuing to famewhore (including publishing photos of their miscarried fetus).

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
“Home” by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, because I didn’t hear it until 2011 and it was particularly apropos in a number of situations.
“This Year” by Mountain Goats has been my personal theme song for the latter half of the year.

17. Compared to last year, are you:
- happier or sadder? Happier, I guess, because Dan is working even though he hasn’t officially been hired permanently yet. We’re pretty sure it’s going to happen, so yay!
– thinner or fatter? Definitely thinner, though not intentionally. I haven’t fed myself especially well these last few months of being alone, and that combined with some stressful stuff that happened in November and December means I have one pair of jeans (purchased about a month ago) that fit. Everything else looks like clown pants.
– richer or poorer? About the same, because we’re building our savings back up now that Dan’s been working. Better prospects for future wealth, I guess.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Getting paid to do work.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Wallowing in despair

20. How did you spend Christmas?
We flew to Colorado and spent Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the day after Christmas with Dan’s family at his parents’ house. I drank a lot of bourbon and cleaned up a lot of chocolate dog vomit.

21. What was your favorite TV program?
Dr. Who, Fringe, and Friday Night Lights

22. What were your favorite books of the year?
I read a lot of books, both with my eyes and with my ears. Not sure I can pick favorites, as so many were good.

23. What were your favorite films of the year?
We didn’t see very many in the theater (King’s Speech, Super 8, Thor, Captain America, Contagion, Tintin), but we recently saw Hugo and I found it utterly delightful.

24. Did you fall in love in 2011?
I fell in love with flowers, I think. And getting to be creative. All this time with just me without Dan around has finally endeared me to Princess Robin.

25. What did you do for your birthday in 2011?
I tried to have a picnic birthday party, but it poured rain, so I hung balloons to look like trees and sky and put paper birds on the walls and we had an indoor picnic instead.

26. Did you make some new friends this year?
Yes! I reconnected with a few old friends and made some new friends on the internets. I got to meet some internet friends in real life, and I also made a few new meatspace friends who are kindred spirits.

27. What did you want and get?

To be thinner, though I would have preferred it happen in perhaps a less lonely and more healthy way.

28. What did you want and not get?
Aside from a steady paycheck and a fetus? I’m still waiting (10 years and counting!) for a t-shirt that has Teddy Roosevelt on it saying BULLY!

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If my work had gotten the publicity it was promised, as I think I might have been able to book more weddings.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
January – March: Multiple layers for cold house
April – October: grubby stuff for doing all the work on the house/yard/painting projects while staying cool. It was Really Hot for several months in a row and I only had one pair of shorts for a fair amount of that time. I wore right through them.
October – December: Multiple layers, plus having to buy a new pair of jeans because all of my pants are too big now. Boobs are still the same size, so I don’t even know.

31. What kept you sane?

Exercise. Alcohol. Dan. Same as always.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
George Takei, for his acerbic wit.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage and DADT.

34. Who did you miss?
Some of our Colorado friends for sure. I miss getting to chat with my little sister all the time now that she’s in Ireland and no longer planning a wedding/needing big sister advice.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011

I don’t know if I’ve learned anything especially dramatic or useful this year in terms of life lessons. I guess I mostly learned that people can surprise you in unexpected ways, both positively and negatively, and part of being an adult is rolling with the punches that both life and other people will bring.

Anyone else out there have seasonal adult beverage preferences?

Our initial plan was to have lunch together on Friday afternoon in Healdsburg, which is where, when I was very small, we did our grocery shopping and where I took ballet class, as Geyserville was (and still is) too small for a proper market. When I was young, Healdsburg was a relatively small farming/agricultural community where generations raised their families. Local businesses patronized by local people sat around and branching from central town square. In the spring, local kids participated in the Future Farmers parade (my preschool classmates and I rode, costumed, on a big flatbed truck at least once), part of the local fair where horsemanship and 4H kids reigned supreme. The movie theater had one screen, and people lined up around the block for new releases. It was a quiet town where not much happened. But as the 90s rolled on and the wine industry became more and more an entrenched part of the local economy, Healdsburg began to change. It seemed everyone from San Francisco and other points south began to discover a place that wasn’t as stuck up or snooty as Napa County, and Healdsburg was only too happy to accommodate the influx of tourist dollars by building new hotels, B&Bs, and inns, building new tasting rooms, boutiques, and art galleries, and eventually pricing local businesses out of the storefronts they’d inhabited for years.

These days, Healdsburg is a mecca for wine lovers who have deep pockets and enjoy kitsch value. Of all the businesses inhabiting the storefronts around the main square, only two (a fabric store and a dive bar that’s been there since 1933) are still original to my memories of childhood. Oldest Friend proposed we eat at the local branch of a vegan/raw cafe, and I googled the menu only to realize that we couldn’t afford to eat there. I suggested a different place, one we’d been many times, most recently in July when my brother-in-law and his wife were visiting. I googled THEIR menu and realized they’d raised all prices by .50 to $1.50 on each menu item. Curious, I checked Yelp and couldn’t find a single affordable restaurant in town that was at all appealing. Our plans for meeting ended up not working for Friday for a variety of reasons, but it was really disheartening to know that there were so few affordable options anymore for eating out in Healdsburg.

Luckily, we managed to carve out a few hours on Saturday afternoon to send some time together. We met at the aforementioned Cafe Pretentious (not its real name, but I can’t help but call it that in my head) after Dan and I shared a $6 meal of Trader Joe’s sushi purchased during our weekly grocery shopping. Cafe Pretentious has a few things going for it: first, Oldest Friend loves it, and second, they have big comfortable couches and bottles of water sitting around, so you can basically go in and lounge and not have to order anything. (The biggest downside, for me particularly, is that it’s attached to a store that was filled with lavender, which makes me itchy and sneezy. I stayed away.) We spent an hour or so there, and then spent another two hours window shopping around the high-priced clothing boutiques, gift shops, shoe shops, purse stores, antique stores, jewelry stores, and kitchenware stores that make up the current retail options around the main plaza in Healdsburg.

I’ve found that sometimes, when I have absolutely no money to spend and therefore I don’t have to think at all about what something might cost, going into expensive stores can be kind of fun. It’s a harmless little fantasy, to imagine being the kind of person who actually patronizes those shops and doesn’t have to look at price tags because you can always afford it. I fondled bracelets and imagined what flowers I’d arrange in a given vase or antique cut glass pitcher. I touched the fabrics and admired the craftsmanship of the stitching, appreciated the artistry of the shot and thought of the perfect occasion for the hat. I also saw an awful lot of overpriced junk. And I saw, in a way that is a little creepy every time, the stores that used to be there: the toy store, which got priced out of its lease and had to move a block away – the toy store where I used to play with the wooden trainset and press my nose against the glass of the off-limits doll room. I saw the deli where I’d get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on wheat bread with the crusts removed, a glass of milk or a small apple-shaped glass bottle of apple juice, and a small bag of locally-produced potato chips. I saw the jewelry store, called Forty Carrots, and Mister Moons when it wasn’t too expensive to buy any of the fun gifts, jewelry, or soaps, even for a teenage girl who only had babysitting money to spend.

Oldest Friend tried on a pair of shoes in the shoe store (not a shoe in the store under $50 and many over $200) and I imagined what it might be like to just be able to buy a pair of John Fluevogs or Frye boots because I wanted them. She tried on a silver bracelet, and I imagined what it would be like to buy it later and give it to her for Christmas. So many of the people who live in Healdsburg now, or who visit, could do those things and never give it a second thought, could buy the Humboldt Fog cheese, fancy crackers, and locally grown organic figs at the Oakville grocery for a picnic at a winery or in the town square. They aren’t the 1% (I doubt the 1% would ever even go to a town as rustic as Healdsburg still is in many ways), but they’re definitely more in the “haves” than the “have nots.” I’m glad that Healdsburg has managed to boost its image and economy, because it’s good for the locals. It’s also priced an awful lot of people my age out of owning a home or raising a family in the town where they grew up. There are at least two sides to every situation.

Our jaunt around the spendy stores of Healdsburg wasn’t completely window-shopping, however. Dan managed to find a diamond in the rough – a well-loved Griswold cast iron skillet made between 1909 and 1929 for $5 at the local antique store. It’s easily fixed up and I’m sure we’ll be using it for the rest of our lives. Not too shabby, Healdsburg.

Twenty-five years ago today, my baby sister was born. I still remember the day pretty clearly, my parents leaving for the hospital in the middle of the night, the neighbor who stayed with us making pancakes in the morning, going into the forest with my dad to help find the perfect baby bay laurel tree that would become Laurel’s tree.

Six weeks ago my baby sister got married (recap post coming on Monday morning) and moved to Ireland, but before that she worked full time as a legal secretary and volunteered as a CASA. Before that, she traveled to Ireland (where she met the man who she’d eventually marry) after graduating from UC Santa Barbara. My sister is gorgeous and accomplished and wonderful, and we all miss her terribly.

First dance

I used sprigs of bay laurel from her tree in Laurel’s wedding bouquet and in her husband’s boutonniere because I’m sentimental like that. It was a way to tie her new family to her family of origin, a way to bridge her journey from daughter and sister to wife (and maybe, someday, mother). I also made her a wreath of laurel from her tree to wear during the reception, long a symbol of victory. Laurel has been victorious in many of the achievements she’s set out to accomplish so far in her first 25 years on this planet. I have no doubt that she’ll reach every other goal she sets for herself. I love you, Floral, and I hope your new Irish family made your first quarter century celebration a good one.

On Laurel's wedding day

Pumpkin pie (from a sugar pumpkin), adapted from standard Libby’s pumpkin pie recipe

One sugar pumpkin, processed and water squeezed out of the flesh (should leave about 1.5-2 cups of pumpkin)
1 14 oz can evaporated milk (full, low, or nonfat)
3/4 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp cloves
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ginger
1/2 tsp salt
1 unbaked pie shell (see recipe below)

Preheat oven to 425F. In a medium bowl, combine pumpkin, evaporated milk, eggs, spices, and salt until thoroughly mixed. Pour into unbaked pie shell and bake for 15 minutes. Reduce heat to 375F and bake for another 35-40 minutes or until filling is set and no longer runny. Serve with freshly whipped cream.

Apple-blackberry pie, loosely adapted from apple pie recipe in red plaid Better Homes & Gardens cookbook

3 large granny smith apples, peeled, cored, and thinly sliced
3/4-1 cup frozen or fresh blackberries
juice of 1/2 lemon (optional)
*3/4 cup granulated sugar
2 tbsp corn starch
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground ginger
double crust pie recipe (see recipe below)

Preheat oven to 375F. In a large bowl, mix all filling ingredients and let sit for a few minutes while you prepare the bottom pie crust in a deep dish pie pan. Pour apple/blackberry mixture into pie pan and add top crust, crimping edges. Poke several holes in the top of the pie with a fork. Slide a baking sheet or pizza pan onto the bottom rack to catch potential drips and the pie onto the middle rack of the oven. Bake for 40-50 minutes or until top crust is golden and juice is bubbling up through the top of the pie. Serve with freshly whipped cream, if desired.

* You can increase the sugar up to 1.5 cups if you like a sweeter pie. I like my fruit pies to be more tart and offset the tartness with whipped cream

Recently, I saw something on America’s Test Kitchen on PBS about using vodka in place of some of the water in a standard pie crust recipe because alcohol will help wet the ingredients but won’t cause the gluten in the flour to develop, which helps keep the crust flakier and less dense/heavy. I was excited to try this out, and found a recipe for vodka pie crust (the alcohol bakes out and doesn’t flavor the crust at all). After sampling both of my pies last night, I feel the experiment was a smashing success, and I plan to use alcohol in place of some of the water from now on.

Recipe for single pie crust (will make enough for single crust pie, plus some extra)

1 1/4 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon sugar
small amounts of pie-appropriate spices (cinnamon, cloves, etc.)(optional)
6 tablespoons cold unsalted butter, cut into small pieces
1/4 cup butter flavored vegetable shortening cut into small pieces
2 tablespoons of cold vodka
2 tablespoons cold water

Store all ingredients in refrigerator or freezer or chill them before using. In a medium bowl, sift flour, salt, sugar, and spices if using. Using a pastry blender, cut cold fat into flour mixture until the largest lumps are the size of small peas. Put in the freezer for about 10 minutes. Remove and pour vodka and water over mixture, then use a rubber spatula to mix liquid into dry ingredients until just holding together. Gather into a ball, cover with plastic wrap, and put it in the fridge for an hour (or up to 24 hours) or, if time constrained, in the freezer for 15 minutes to cool it down again and let it rest.

Cover a flat surface with waxed paper and sprinkle with flour. Plop crust dough onto floured surface and sprinkle with more flour. Using a rolling pin and working as fast as possible, roll out until crust is about 1/8 inch thick and big enough to fit in a pie pan, adding small amounts of additional flour if needed to keep dough from sticking to rolling pin. You will see pieces of fat that are not worked all the way into the dough and this is a good thing. Lift waxed paper and flip crust into pie pan, then peel waxed paper away. Trim overhang edges of dough (you can use them for other small projects, like cinnamon sugar crust twists) and crimp remaining dough. Fill and bake with your filling of choice.

Recipe for double crust pie

2 cups unbleached all purpose flour
1 tablespoon plus 1.5 teaspoons sugar
3/4 tsp salt
small amounts of pie-appropriate spices (optional)
1 stick cold unsalted butter
6 tablespoons cold butter flavored vegetable shortening
3 tablespoons cold vodka
3 tablespoons cold water

Follow as above for single crust recipe, but divide dough roughly in half before rolling, using larger ball for bottom crust. When bottom crust is in pan, add filling of choice. Roll out and add top crust over filling. Trim overhang and crimp edges, making sure to poke holes in the top of the pie with a knife or fork so steam can escape.

In the afternoon, the pies were loaded into the car, alongside the carseat. We drove to grandma’s house, stopping along the way to pick up whipping cream. I waited in the car and sang songs while Dan ran into the store, and when we arrived we unloaded the pies and all the things you pack when you bring a baby someplace.

Instead of a glass of wine with the hummus and veggie appetizers, I had a glass of water, because my eight-month-old needed to eat a couple of times. He’s just at a stage where he’s smiley and happy to play with all the adults in his life who love him. He even has his own highchair at grandma’s.

I learned more about my cousin’s trip to Africa and told her about what my 13-month-old could do now that she hadn’t been able to do before my cousin left in July. I showed her the pictures of my sister’s wedding, with Dan holding our daughter in the big family photo.

As we ate, our 16-month-old had his own tray of potatoes and green beans to nosh on. We even gave him a few pieces of grip-sized turkey to practice with. He made a big mess as usual, but the dogs were thrilled to have little bits of people food to clean up off the floor.

Toward the end of the meal, everyone went around the table and mentioned something we’re thankful for. I gave silent thanks that our 18-month-old was healthy and developmentally normal. After dinner, she lurched around like Frankenstein after the dogs and we Skyped with her other grandparents in Colorado. Her favorite part of the meal was the little bit of apple from the slice of apple pie on my plate.

My favorite part of the meal was having a child there to share it with us.

When the show was over, I turned to Dan and said “Having a dog is more like having a baby, and having a cat is more like having a teenager.” Which I think is pretty accurate, and I wonder what that will mean for my future hypothetical parenting techniques and interests. You can leave a cat for a few days as long as it has a litter box, food, and water, and when you come home the cat will either ignore you or berate you for having been gone. You can’t leave a dog for more than about 10 hours because it needs to be walked, access to outdoors so it can pee and poop, and it needs human attention or it will fail to thrive. I like that cats are more independent and that they mostly have “personalities” that don’t necessarily involve loving their human companions unconditionally. But I bet when I have a dog again, I’ll love that dog to pieces.